Dreams
I remember most of my dreams and they're all really wacky. For instance, last night I dreamt about lots of buttons arranged in a grid on my table, and whichever button I pressed... Anyway, I'll save that for another time. I've decided to share some of my peculiar visions with you. If only I knew what they meant...
Dancing
I really can't dance... no, really. I was extremely embarrassed to be pushed on stage in front of lots of people and told to dance with a big spotlight pointing at me. If this wasn't bad enough, I had to dance to "A Girl Like You" by Edwin Collins - the song I hate most in real life.
Orange Squash
I invented a new style of artexing known as Orange Squash. It became all the rage and made me very rich.
PhD Viva
For some reason, the exam was held in my bedroom. My external examiner (who I didn't recognise) carried a large suitcase into my room and sat silently wearing a long dark raincoat. I opened my thesis and to my horror noticed it was only half finished! My internal examiner (who I also didn't recognise) shook her head in disgust. I tried defending the fact that I'd submitted an unfinished thesis but it was pointless and they left.
Christina Aguilera
This was actually a very innocent dream! Christina Aguilera knocked on my door and asked if she could take a quick bath. I naturally obliged. She finished her bath and left but didn't bother to rinse the tub. I scraped together the hairs she left behind and sold them on E-Bay for lots of money. I became very rich!
Swimming
I was in a dark warehouse at night, swimming at the bottom of a very large, deep pool with lots of dead bodies floating around me. The dead people were mainly wearing suits.
Ronald McDonald
Ronald McDonald kept chasing me through a roller disco, night after night. No wonder I eat at BK.
Bald Man
A nasty bald man, basically Kojak without the lollipop, kept chasing me through the street where I lived (Ronald's sidekick, obviously) but never caught me because I always managed to hide behind a big pile of boxes. Cunning.
Underpass
I walked down some steps into an underpass to cross a busy road. The underpass transformed into a dark cave with jagged walls and a low ceiling. The ceiling got lower and lower, forcing me down onto all-fours. I turned around to go back but my exit was blocked. I collapsed to my stomach and inched forwards, being careful to avoid the bodies of crushed pedestrians. I finally reached a big cavern with an artificial light where several survivors were frantically trying to dig their way out through the walls. There was no food or water and trying to escape was obviously pointless.
Parking Device
I invented a large, mechanical device for lifting cars out of carparks so they could be packed together more tightly. As my car was hauled up, I fell out and got mashed up in the mechanism below. Nasty. A couple of friends who were in the car with me looked down at my dismembered body, but strangely I was still in the car telling them not to look.
Bad Dad
I discovered my dad had been doing some dodgy business deals. As he was bundled into the police car, I unrelentlessly told him he's going down.
Gun Fight
Imagine a diving pool in the middle of a dessert (is this weird enough yet?). Although I had a gun, I had to run round and round the pool to avoid a former colleague shooting me. I tried to shoot him but missed because I ran so quickly. I pretended to be shot and spectacularly faked my death by jumping into the pool. I sank to the bottom then aimed up and shot him dead. He fell in and joined the collection of other bodies. I couldn't climb out because the sides were too high, but this wasn't a problem because I could hold my breath for hours. Later, a guy from work came and pulled me out with a rope.
Painter
It was night and I was in my room with the curtains open. A ladder appeared at my window, a man climbed up and stared in at me for a while before painting the glass black.
Monk
A monk whose face was concealed was walking through a forest. Meanwhile, a neatly-dressed man was rushing around his kitchen getting his children ready for school. As the monk walked faster, the man became more frantic (as though they had a telepathic link). The children were rushed out of the house and bundled into the car as the monk started running. The monk came out of the forest and reached the car just as it sped away. He pulled his hood back and revealed himself to be the man.
Crash
I was driving in the fast lane of the motorway a bit too close to the car in front. The car braked suddenly and I crashed.